I didn’t have counselling this week with Laura and I must admit, I miss not seeing her and speaking with her. At the same time I’m anxious and nervous when I do prepare to see her so it’s quite conflicting feeling wise.
I had a difficult start to the week which resulted in not getting much sleep Monday night, awaking at 4.AM and firing off a very angry and emotional email to Laura about things on my mind. It wasn’t anything I needed, or expected, a response too but I just needed to vent a bit while I remembered certain things.
I’ve been thinking about my sessions for the last month or so as I don’t know how or if I’m ever measured against any kind of progress? Laura never really mentions progress at all, I certainly don’t feel like any progress has been made but then I don’t know what I expect from all this. It’s been hard, tiring and emotional that’s all – is that progress?
After my trip to London Tuesday and mini-breakdown on the train (I wrote about earlier) my next trip has been to travel up to Leeds to assist with an office move.
I jump in my car and its around 3 1/2 hours drive, there’s really no stress or anxiety, I’ve driven to Leeds before and I prefer to be on my own when travelling. I’m looking forward to doing the move, I’m in charge of the IT infrastructure and without sounding cocky, I can do this with my eyes closed, no problem at all, 0% stress.
If I described this to Laura I know exactly what she would say “This is logical you, the articulate and confident you, the person who keeps so busy that you simply put everything else aside and do the task in hand like a robot”. And she’s spot on of course, logical me is in the zone and all emotions are thrown to the side so that I can get the task done and make sure everyone is happy. I like making sure everyone else is happy, I always have done, just at a big detriment to myself.
Laura calls me on Friday and we have a quick catch up. She’s checking how I am and says she got my email but only just had the chance to read it. I tell her my brilliant news that I am allowed to go home to my wife and children next week and she’s really pleased for me.
I think there’s a slight change in her tone when she tells me “I know you’re under a lot of pressure at the moment and I don’t want our sessions to be too hard for you as they will get difficult”
“But I’m very strong, I promise you I’m tough” I tell her “And I don’t plan on changing anything, things are difficult yes but life is difficult and I’d like to continue seeing you”
“That’s fine, we can talk about things in your next session then and I’ll see you next week” Laura responds.
I feel a little deflated, it feels like I’ve been rejected by my own counsellor and perhaps she’s given up on me? Perhaps though she is just genuinely concerned that I can’t take everything that’s happened in my life recently and in the past and she’s protecting me?
I just hoped that maybe she would be more reassuring, she would perhaps reaffirm that she is still there for me no matter what, but she doesn’t say that and it makes me feel very anxious about possibly losing her. I’ve gone from being fine and confident to anxious and nervy in the space of 5 minutes – is that progress?
Doesn’t feel like it.