Another recurring dream I’ve had since I can remember is one of falling. I climb up and up reaching a very high peak. I look over the edge and then slowly let myself go, I plummet to the earth but before I hit the ground I always wake.
As with most scary and emotional dreams this has always seemed so very vivid and life-like.
People read a lot of things into dreams. There are books written about dreams and what the meanings of those dream are. I’ve never been convinced how that is truly reflective of your dream as I believe things can always be interpreted in a way you want to interpret them.
My dream always meant to me that no matter how high you climb, no matter how much you try to get away, the past is always there waiting for you at the bottom slowly creeping upwards. It may have taken me years to reach that summit but you can also plummet downwards in a matter of seconds.
The events of the last few years have resulted in a catastrophic melt down in my brain, triggers have been coming and going resulting in flashbacks that I didn’t know were there let alone how to manage. I tried to survive it on my own, I told myself “you have managed this abuse for over 33 years now you can do it again – look at yourself you have a job, you have a house, you have a car and a lovely family – you can do this alone, you don’t need anyone else”.
I thought I had beaten it and that I had reached the top of my summit but over the last 10 months I have fallen back to earth with the heaviest of crashes which have psychologically scarred me very deeply and some of those closest to me.
But scars do heal and I am damned if I won’t also heal and get to a better place. A place where I can take back power from my abuser and try to have some degree of a life back I can maybe control better.
For the time being and on this Monday, after a 10 month police investigation and court case I begin my life as a criminal and a registered sex offender. Guilty of having 2 indecent images of children amongst my 4.7 Million files on my computer network. The intent of having them and actively downloading them is questionable but they were there.
I’m at the bottom again but I am going to climb slowly back up and this matter isn’t over by a long shot.