Crikey there’s a lot of negativity in my writing at the moment. I’ve just read back a few posts and noticed that!!
I think that a lot of the negativity comes down to not being able to openly and easily explain my real feelings and emotions to people without turning into a blubbering wreck and losing control! Some of the negativity I know is down to frustration, some down to disappointment.
But life isn’t always a disappointment, far from it. When I write my positives list it’s still full of massive moments and achievements that I can and should be proud of. I’m going to reflect a bit over the next few posts and try to find a happy space.
As a physically still young but maturing boy at 10 years old I had not long returned from a holiday in the United States and Canada to see my Grandfather and Uncle respectively. I remember my mum was really upset to watch me jet off on my own, but I wasn’t phased at all. It was an escape for me and so far away from where I could be reached.
I will never forget that sense of freedom and safety. I had an amazing time in Chicago and Canada and everyone loved me, and I mean really loved me. All of my uncles and aunts and cousins spoiled me rotten and I didn’t need to do anything in return to receive a simple hug and cuddle. I was loved for just being me.
Any return from holiday has a sense of anti-climax and disappointment about it and even then as a 10-year-old, with my Mum, Dad and brother waiting for me back home, I didn’t want to return. Not because I didn’t want to see my family, I just had a blissful month of not worrying about being touched or having to touch an adult in ways I didn’t want to do. It really helped cleanse me a bit.
Upon my return home to the UK, another big adventure was just around the corner.
I turned 11, started secondary school and had welcomed the arrival of a beautiful baby sister. We soon moved house as a family and I will never forget the excitement I had about this potential fresh start and new beginning.
I remember going to look around the empty house with my Dad and my Brother and how huge it seemed. How light and welcoming the rooms seemed, how the garden was perfectly split in two with a large, round pond, sitting proudly in the middle. I ran through the house with my little Brother, exploring each of the large rooms, chasing each other around the pond and looking through the massive garage in bewilderment. I prayed that we could all live here safely.
My Dad always worked very hard and he bought the house, a place that seemed magical to me. I always believed in secret that my Dad got that home just for me.
My first Christmas at our new magical home resulted in my Dad getting me my first computer, a ZX Spectrum 48k +. This was perfect timing, almost as if my Dad knew that I could escape safely into my computer world for hours on end without any person bothering me there. I had learnt to dissociate from the world at an early age and so to put myself into my TV was very easy.
I so loved that computer and that year 1984. My abuse stopped, I was 11 years old, we moved house, I changed Schools and here I was roaming a giant mansion inside my computer world / head in the game Jet Set Willy.
I was so, so happy, I felt in control of myself at last and thought that no-one would ever have to know what had happened to me.
My life begins at
30 11 years old.