There’s some graphic details today – be warned, it’s not appropriate for everyone.
For the last few days I’ve been pretty bloody angry. I very rarely do angry, I tend to do bottling up and dealing it with it later as my method of control. Both my Mum and my Counsellor have told me that “you will be very angry about your abuse at some stage”. But to be honest, I’m not even angry about that at the moment, yes I’m still hugely confused about being abused but I’m not angry about that yet.
As suggested by my counsellor, I did a screening test for dissociative identity disorder, and ladies and gentleman the scores are in! The crap thing is I even scored down on some of the questions (don’t ask me why – guess I was scared of being truly honest about myself).
The results certainly made for interesting reading, in fact the summary might as well have just said “yep, you have serious mental health issues you messed up boy!”
I guess in a way should I be surprised? I mean having a man force his penis down your throat to choke you when you’re around 5 years old or ejaculate on your face and finding it funny, that’s going to catch up with you at some point right? I’m bitterly angry with myself that I can remember these
stupid senseless things but I can’t remember what I did last Wednesday? That’s not a normal mind that can do that is it??
What really then happens to your mind when your counsellor says that the abuse likely started at a lot younger age than you remember?
They say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but what happens to you when someone kills part of your childhood? What happens to you when he dies with your secrets and you are left to burden the shame, the guilt, the memories, the explanations, the flashbacks, the trauma and the attempted recovery?
I’ll tell you what happens, it’s exhausting and devastating, that’s what it is.
But Lifes’ not fair, they say. You just dust yourself down and pick yourself up they say.
When you are tired of life being unfair and you can’t pick yourself up anymore, where too next I ask you?
A brand new day today, new challenges with new opportunities. So although I may be losing the fight in my mind at the moment I won’t and can’t ever let this beat me.