Quite recently, my counsellor suggested I visit a website and get a screening and diagnosis for a possible disorder that I may suffer from.
Laura explained that it may explain some of my flashbacks and dissociation and assist me on that front. I had a good look at the website and a read and quite frankly, its scary stuff.
It’s at odds with the impression I have of myself as I put things down to just being a “Man”
The memory loss – Well yes I have a shit memory
Triggers – Yes certain things and situations can trigger unwanted reactions and memories
Spatial awareness – Yes I am a clumsy git sometimes
Daydreamer – Everyone switches off and loses concentration from time to time don’t they?
Recurring dreams from childhood – Surely not that uncommon?
Suicidal Thoughts – Yep, been there done that and failed miserably. Although if truth be told my attempt was probably what would have happened if Laurel and Hardy ever had tried to top themselves.
Flashbacks – these are just dreams to me which seem very real. But arent they just about something that happened to somebody else?
Frankly the diagnosis that Laura suggests is a road I have never wanted to go down and I worry that if I set foot on that path, nothing will ever be the same again for me.
But then you know what, what price do I put on my own well-being, harmony and perhaps enlightenment? My approach to things with bottling it all up, dealing with it alone to protect people and ignoring the root cause of the issue clearly hasn’t worked and has been disastrous.
So as I write this I’m actually feeling really positive today, I’m going to try to open myself up a bit more, not be quite so scared and not be so ashamed.
I’m going to try hard to take a big step onto the yellow brick road, safe in the knowledge I am not alone and we are all going to follow that path into the unknown.