I’ve now had my first experience of the police, criminal justice system and court systems. To say that I’m disappointed, even more confused about things and feeling more anxious is an understatement! As I sit and watch one service play me off against another, one party telling me they are recommending this punishment then another party tell me “Ha, that will never happen”. It’s been quite an insight into how things work in this world and how much people lose the sight that there is a human being struggling in the middle of all this.

But I don’t want to turn this into a bitter write-up. What I will say in the systems defense is that if there’s ever a deterrent for not getting into this cruel and harsh system, it’s the system itself! It’s unrelenting in its quest for a conviction and backed up by resources and tools I simply don’t have, it’s an uphill struggle. Simply put, don’t get yourself into the criminal justice system if you’re an honest person – you just won’t get out.

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My counsellor is now on holiday until middle August so I have a few weeks without her around to try to make some sense on my own of a lot of matters. The more I think about things, the more confused I just get though. I’m trying to put these thoughts in “my room” as Laura suggested, to deal with another day but sometimes that’s easier said than done. The more I think and more confused I get, the more tired I get. The more tired I get, the more my rational thinking deteriorates. When my rational thinking deteriorates the more vulnerable I feel. Argghhh!!!!

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The human mind is an infinitely complex beast and I guess for the time being I have to go with this madness until such time as I have a bit more control and harmony back in my life.

For all of you people in the various services who keep asking every time they see me “Are you ok?”, “How is your mental health at the moment?”, “How are you coping?”, “You’re under an awful lot of pressure and we are worried” I want to say Fuck Off!!!

Don’t ask me empty questions just so you can tick a box on your sheet to say “we’ve checked and he says he’s ok – job done”

I’m sure I said this wouldn’t turn bitter, so in my mind I’m going to go and return to my bedroom from many, many years ago and switch on my ZX Spectrum and have a game of Sabre Wulf, I never did get all 4 bloody parts of that amulet and put it back together, but I will one day.  Perhaps that’s another goal I can speak to my counsellor about šŸ™‚

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