So Thursday came and went. It’s just like any other day really except Thursdays are my day where I don’t have to hide my emotions and feelings. For an hour or so I can talk freely and openly, I can cry, I can laugh, I can dissociate, I can be scared and I can be angry. I can be young Me, I can be old Me.
Thursday is my “survivors in transition” counselling day.
I’m not sure I’m entirely comfortable with being a “survivor”, I’m not comfortable with being a “victim” either. I just don’t like the need to label and have to compartmentalise everything to try to make neat sense of things. Anyway what’s in a label / name, that’s just a personal gripe!
I think I trust my counsellor Laura. I’ve been seeing her since the beginning of June now and she is very calming and patient with me during my sessions. She also spoke with me a couple of times before she was allocated to me when I dropped into the centre with no appointment. She gave her time up for me when I was upset and others didn’t want to listen. I really appreciated that.
Laura always asks how I am. I always tell her I’m ok, she then ask’s with a sly grin“but how are you really?” and our session begins.
My list of updates was fairly long, she’d only been gone 2 weeks! I wanted to inform her that I’d spoken to my sister about my abuse and that just leaves my brother to speak with, my friend and wedding photographer had been killed in a road accident and I felt terribly guilty, my uncle had been admitted to hospital, my hands and legs had a weird pins and needles type scenario going on (not that she needed to know or could do anything!!) and that I’d done the screening for dissociative identity disorder and got the results but I didn’t / couldn’t want to look at them on my own.
Laura explained to me she had suggested a diagnosis for DID after speaking with her senior session counsellor at the practise. She explained that both of them were furious at how I had been treated by the police and social services.
I could tell that Laura was angry about how her patient (me!) had been treated, spoken about, lied to and bullied. I was really, really humbled. For a lot of the public services, everything is either black or white. Everything is either good or evil, everything is either right or wrong. There’s no middle ground, “There’s no grey” as Laura explained “But here I am working with you in this very grey area of abuse and mental health”.
Here was someone in a professional capacity willing to stand up for me and I was quite overwhelmed to be honest. I wanted to give her a big hug.
“Getting a diagnosis could really help your court case” she explained to me “But you didn’t hear that from me ok?”
Did I bite her hand off for assistance? Did I beg Laura to help me with my court case and try to explain things from someone professionally treating me for years of brutal sexual abuse? Did I say “Lets go and get this diagnosis then and everything is sorted!”
No I didn’t. I calmly told Laura that “if the powers that be can look me in the eye and lock me away for crimes they say I have done but I haven’t done, if in their hearts they think that it is the best for society, best for my young children and best for my wife and family to lock me up then I will not argue. If they can go to bed and sleep at night satisfied they got it right without having all the facts then I will not fight them right now because I don’t have the strength too”.
For once Laura looked like she was crying rather than me. Her eyes had welled up and I think she knows I have had enough and I think she was upset for me.
After today, I really do trust Laura.